The HAMMER TIME stickers were made. The pants either nice and baggy or two-toned and nice and tight. And, despite a late realisation that real STOP signs only exist in America, suitable car park signage successfully located. This is the result…

I’m still speechless. Amazing

Check out the original idea here and big up Amy and Martha!

A quick update on the remaining ideas: the bike has been bought and chaining will occur imminently, Joel has returned from the field he’s been living in for 3 months and is ready to make a parking offender’s day, Amy has made her ‘hammer time’ stickers, and the mysterious Cerne Abbas has finally determined how I am to get the money to him to fund his sinister purposes:

Hello Peter,

I have been mulling over my options and have settled on how i would like to go about this. I am most tickled by the plan.

However, remaining anonymous is essential to the operation and giving you my bank details, address to send a cheque or inviting you around for tea would very much compromise the situation. So, I suggest we involve ourselves in a bit of cloak and dagger.

What says you to a trip to trendy Shoreditch? Judging by your photos on the internet you would like that side of town. If you could be so kind as to place the £50 in an envelope before your trip. Put the envelope in one of those polystyrene chip boxes you get from  a kebab shop and then that in plastic bag.

This bag should be deposited in the XXX at Xpm next XXX. Once I have seen you return safely to Old Street and off on your merry way, I shall then collect. Don’t worry about the local thugs, I will scare them off before you arrive.

Please let me know if this suits you, if not, be as kind as to let me know when a good time would be.

Excitedly,

Cerne

I’m both scared and excited…and to be honest not knowing any more about Mr Abbas suits me just fine. Good luck sir!

How many flowers does £50 buy you? Bloody shitloads as it happens. And what do people do when you try to give them away for free? Ask Kelvin, that’s what he tried to do at Liverpool Street station…

This is how it begins. You start with the odd bluebell and before you know it you’re up to five bouquets a day.

Alright petal.

Stop that woman! She didn’t pay for her flower! oh.

Well I guess it does look a little bit suspicious.

It was like the sixties all over again.

(flowers) - (money) = (smiles x loads)

What a beautiful aroma.

J’aime les fleurs. Vous?

And that was that, a heartwarming first idea come to fruition. Nice one Kelvin and team! Were you there? Let me know! Let’s do some more!

This is where the talking stops! And the er, dangering begins.

The first set of ideas have been picked by the haughty egotists we call the Selectors and small amounts of cash are winging their way to each of the lucky recipients as I type.

The ideas A-Team are:

‘I want to stick ‘HAMMER TIME’ stickers on STOP signs’

‘I want to lock a cheap bicycle to a prissy Bikes left here will be removed sign with the heaviest duty chains I can find’

‘I want to give away lots of flowers to strangers’

‘I want to draw a large male member around the Daily Mail offices’

I want to anonymously refund someone’s parking fine’

Hooray! Well done troops. What happens next? They each carry out their schemes, film and photograph all the action, and then I post it up here for you to see!

And in the meantime everyone else : keep sending in those ideas.

Time for some suitably rousing music…

PS: thanks to Mark O’Neill for the donation!

Have a look at this little mention of the £50 Quid Danger Fund in The Times. It makes me sound like a slightly unhinged circus clown, but still it’s nice to get a nod.

For the record I am not trying to ‘change the world, with a giggle’, and please do not send me any ‘wacky’ ideas. But (seriously) thanks for the mention Francesca.

Donate to danger

Got a wacky idea, but need a few bob to execute it? Well, there’s now a charity out there to help you. The £50 Danger Fund aims to change the world, with a giggle. Funded by donations, so far it has only received £50 — from someone who then claimed it back for a personal project. “Exactly the sort of needlessly dangerous behaviour that we like!” says the site’s undaunted creator, Peter Hames.

Posted by Francesca Steele

The Danger Fund has been in business for a little over a month. And it’s going pretty darned well I’d say. We’ve received schemes for MC Hammer-related tomfoolery, big penis mischief and troublemaking through the medium of bike security, plus many more. Danke for all of your ideas large and small; the response has been such that we’re going to do an early round of funding to get a few going now. Largely because I can’t wait to (possibly) see a huge cock drawn around the Daily Mail offices.

So it’s probably a good time to give you an update on money, and prove that this is not an elaborate (and rather idiotic) money-making scam. Here is the state of the Danger Fund account:

Total assets: £196.97

Donations to PayPal:

Peter Hames —> £1 (to test it)

Matthew Knight —> £50

Ben Harris —> £50

PayPal charges —> -£4.03 (£4.03!)

Total cash on PayPal —> £96.97

Cheques:

Peter Hames —> £50

Michael-George Hemus —> £50

Total cash in the bank —> £100.00

Matthew, MGH and Ben - big kisses all round.

So if I top it up to £200 we can do four ideas. I will be imminently sending all of the ideas so far to our Selectors and getting them to do what they do best, select.

Let the danger commence!

A scheme at once satisfyingly promotional and very literally ‘danger’-ous from Andy ‘The Danger’ Moore. I’ve said it before but I cannot wait to see whichever of you get the money actually acting out your mischievous plots! I’m going to have an earlier-than-planned funding round to get a few going, but more on that later. For now, Mister Andrew’s wonky brainwave…

Dear Danger fund I’d like to apply for £50 to change my name by deed poll to “Danger Fund”. There seems to be lots of different companies claiming to be able to do this officially, with prices ranging from about £23 to around £7.50. Obviously I’d use the one charging £7.50, because I want to be dangerous by name and by nature. I’d then use the remaining £42.50 to hire out Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards (the most dangerous Olympian in history) to help promote my new identity around the streets of London. If “The Eagle” comes in under budget, I’d use any remaining money to flag down an illegal cab, so me and Edwards could lean out of the windows (dangerous even in a legal taxi) and shout out my new name.

I love this:

“I’d spend five quid on a crappy bike, then forty-five quid on really heavy-duty chains. Lots of them.

Then I’d find one of those prissy “bikes chained here will be removed” signs, probably in an outright bike-hostile area like Ganton St near Oxford Circus, chain the hell out of the bike, and retire to a nearby cafe with a video camera to await developments.

The resulting video, probably in time-lapse, should be highly entertaining. Five points if they have to get welding equipment. Ten points if they cut through the sign.”

Gwyn has it locked down.

“I know it’s not a new idea, but it often makes me very, very happy to imagine a small but visible sticker saying “…HAMMER TIME” at the bottom of STOP signs. I’d put it at the bottom to create the visual equivalent of a pause, a la MC Hammer. It’s just a shame this isn’t the £500 Danger Fund, and then I could attach speakers to the back of the signs that played ‘Can’t Touch This’ every time a car stopped at a given sign…

I would spend the £40 getting stickers printed and £10 on a hoodie to wear while putting them in place.”

Amy can’t touch this.

You know the best bit about the idea below? The guy is actually going to do it! Dressed in a Clancy Docwra uniform! Yes yes I know it’s childish…

“Dear Danger Fund. I would like £50 to rent ones of those line drawing machines they use for football pitches and some paint. I would use it to paint a enormous nob over the streets of London, the type that kids draw on toilet doors or on the heads of celebrities in magazines. It will be so big that only passing pigeons will be able to see what it is. The line would start with the words ‘Follow this line to see the biggest cock in the world’. It is crude but I think people’s curiosity will get the best of them. They will walk expectantly for twenty minutes or so, hoping the end is around the corner only to seemingly find nothing - finishing up confused, uncertain what had just happened, having wasted their time walking around in the shape of a big penis.

I’ve not decided where to paint it yet, but I’ll pick the place for a reason. Maybe it will go around the Daily Mail offices, or maybe it will just been in an area I think more people should experience. I am thinking of dressing up in Clancy Docwra uniform for the occasion.

I have decided there are several reasons to do this. One, it would be personally very satisfying to swear in such a huge way. Two, the idea of making people walk for a couple of miles in the shape of a penis is funny. Three - it may be the largest penis ever drawn and so might be eligible for the Guinness book of records (a boyhood ambition of mine).

Yours Truly, Cerne Abbas”