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“Dear Danger Fund. I would like £50 to rent ones of those line drawing machines they use for football pitches and some paint. I would use it to paint a enormous nob over the streets of London, the type that kids draw on toilet doors or on the heads of celebrities in magazines. It will be so big that only passing pigeons will be able to see what it is. The line would start with the words ‘Follow this line to see the biggest cock in the world’. It is crude but I think people’s curiosity will get the best of them. They will walk expectantly for twenty minutes or so, hoping the end is around the corner only to seemingly find nothing - finishing up confused, uncertain what had just happened, having wasted their time walking around in the shape of a big penis.
I’ve not decided where to paint it yet, but I’ll pick the place for a reason. Maybe it will go around the Daily Mail offices, or maybe it will just been in an area I think more people should experience. I am thinking of dressing up in Clancy Docwra uniform for the occasion.
I have decided there are several reasons to do this. One, it would be personally very satisfying to swear in such a huge way. Two, the idea of making people walk for a couple of miles in the shape of a penis is funny. Three - it may be the largest penis ever drawn and so might be eligible for the Guinness book of records (a boyhood ambition of mine).
Yours Truly, Cerne Abbas”
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